Mommies, not Models

Girls, you are so much more than your looks.

Have you caught Melissa McCartney’s interview with Ellen?  If you haven’t, you should.  Apparently, Melissa was criticized by a reporter for “really look[ing] bad” in her latest movie, Tammy. According to him, she was only a good actress when she looked attractive (never mind she was playing a broken-down woman, whose outer appearance was supposed to reflect her terrible internal struggle).  When she encountered the reporter at a film festival, though, rather than attack him, she used the moment to educate him.

Ellen Melissa McCartney
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“If [your daughter] comes home and someone says you can’t have a job because you’re unattractive, are you gonna say, ‘That’s right?’ And he took that in his heart and he was like, ‘No, I would never want that to happen. I would never in a million years want that to happen.'”

“I said, ‘Just know that every time you write stuff, every young girl in this country reads that and they just get a little bit chipped away.’ I just think that we tear down women in this country for all these superficial reasons and women are so great and strong.”

Isn’t that the truth?

I’ve been privileged to have many strong women in my life, starting with my mom.  She worked as an accountant, having three kids and putting my father through graduate school before finally graduating herself. Though she eventually had five children, she continued to use her formidable analytic and organizational skills as an accountant, church leader, and volunteer social worker.  She’s a wonderful example to me.

I met other impressive women in college and, later, in law school–women who somehow managed to juggle all the demands on their time:  spouses, children, jobs, and intense studies.  These were smart, educated and driven women. Yet, if you passed these women on the street, you’d probably have no clue just how incredible they are. None fit the Hollywood mold of the perfect woman; that rare Angelina Jolie-type female who wakes up, meets her personal trainer, shoots a scene for her latest film, meets with the UN and, at the end of a long and satisfying day, calmly tucks her kids into bed–all while looking flawless.  No, these women were all average-looking; not overly fashionable, or beautiful, or exceptionally thin.  These women are some of the most intelligent people I’ve met; and yet, if you believe the overwhelming message from Hollywood–that a woman’s appearance is the most important thing about her– these women would be considered lessless attractive, less desirable, less worthy–simply because they did not put all of their efforts into their looks.

And that is such a damaging message.

How many girls do you know who have issues with their bodies?  I’ve watched friends shrink away, depriving themselves of food simply because they believe their worth is tied to how much they weigh. Other women push their bodies to the limit with exercise and “healthy eating”–myself included.  After having my first child, I was anxious to lose the baby weight, so I adopted a punishing exercise routine.  I would get up in the early morning, even after little sleep, to run and exorcise some imagined calorie overload I’d had the day before.  One ulcer and a torturous year later, I realized I couldn’t push my body so hard- and I learned to accept myself as a complete human being, not just a physical body.

Now my children take up so much of my day, I don’t have the time or the energy to pursue a physical ideal that, quite frankly, I will probably never reach.  This is a point most of us come to, as mothers.  We make a conscious choice to put our children’s needs above our own needs, even the need to feel beautiful.  While we may not have Hollywood-worthy bodies, what is important is that we like the people we are now.  And we are not lesser for channeling our energies into our families; we are better and greater people for it.

It’s a shame that our entertainment industry can’t seem to grasp that truth.

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Mommy Time-Out

 

Capture

You’ve probably all seen the “Mom on Strike” video (click on the video to watch).  Listening to her, I can feel a little empathy; what mom hasn’t wanted to go on strike, at some point?  There are some days I’ve felt so fed up with my children, I’m counting the minutes till Jang gets home so I can hand at least one of them off to him.

Even right now, I’m writing this post while my son is in his room for a time out, watching a few minutes of Frozen.

“What?!” You might think,  “Letting your son watch videos in time out isn’t punishment!”  And you’re right.  He isn’t in time out; but I am.

Even as a young mom, I’ve already learned there are times when children just won’t cooperate; punish them, cajole them, bribe them, threaten them—they just won’t do what you want them to do.  If your kids are anything like my toddler, they have the will of a tyrant.  When he wants something, you have to be pretty creative to get his mind off of getting that thing.  To reach things we’ve taken away, he’s made step stools out of everything–from clothes to boxes to toilet paper.  (So-o much toilet paper).

Of course, I can always force him to do what I want.  But that gets tiring. Sometimes, after a day of pestering and high-spirited behavior, I get so fed up that the slightest thing could tip me over the edge.

So, even though I’m generally opposed to parking your kids in front of the T.V. or tablet, there are times I just need ten minutes (or twenty, or thirty) to just chill out.

I do something for myself—blog, listen to an audiobook, or watch Downton Abbey.  I don’t worry about television rotting his brain, or really anything at all.  I do exactly what I want to do, just for a few minutes.

Then, when I’ve calmed down and retrieved my toddler from his media haze, something magical has happened:  he’s better-behaved.  Sometimes the time out was just enough of an interruption to make him forget his mischief-making.  Other times, I just have a renewed patience and can channel his energy into more constructive activities.

My mommy time outs have already had a positive effect on our relationship. When I’m calmer, my discipline is more consistent and less reactionary.  This helps him learn more quickly which is appropriate behavior, and which behavior that will get him punished.  He’s learning to control himself.

Don’t get me wrong, he still has a will of steel.  But we’re working on this parenting thing together.  Hopefully, we’ll be able to figure it out in the next 16 years or so.